Diebold

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

Assorted Ramblings...

Ok- the first thing I want to mention is that I got a call last night. It was at 10:30pm- I was in bed and at that point NOTHING was going to get me out of bed...
I played it first thing this AM- part of me thought I should wait to wake up JUST IN CASE it was my dad... But it was my bro's finacee. She's trying to help me search for a job and expand my horizons about using my degree.
What amazed me was- she put her eldest daughter on... The daughter thanked me for giving her the 3rd book in the Golden Compass series. And she said she LOVED me. And this made me go Oh... and Huh?
Part of me feels I should have a warm fuzzy because this 11 year has shared her love with ME. Part of me is like huh? because I've met this girl like twice... and she's declaring her LOVE for me- and she and her younger sister I think do call me Uncle Drew...
I don't know. I guess I'm just not used to children's 'pure' love. Just like I was surprised that my 5 year old nephew was looking forward to seeing ME. Part of me chalked that up to mental development- he remembers Uncle Drew bought him the batmoblie for X-mas... and part of me was just glad that he seemed to like me.
I guess I think I'm thinking too much about this stuff- so wanted to share...

I spoke to my Dad on Monday morning- and was amazed at how easily I let him press my buttons. I really do think I overthink what he says sometimes- but other times it's clear that we're having two different conversations as it's clear he's not listening to MY half.
My brother and his gal are still pissed that my dad blew us off last Wednesday. I told my bro that considering I got worked up JUST with a phone call, maybe it was better if I didn't see our dad. I have also admitted to being a tad petty and NOT sending my dad any pics I took of my niece... as I just feel if he wants to SEE his grand daughter he should MAKE TIME for her.


And lastly gonna put the two books I've read since my last book post:
Book 5- Miss Pym Disposes- by Josephine Tey. I bought this book on vacation last July. I loved Tey’s Daughter of Time, so I thought I’d try another one of her books. I was greatly disappointed with Miss Pym Disposes so it took me a bit to finish it. This book is SUPPOSE to be a murder mystery but considering that the only murder takes place on page 181 of a 240 page book; I don’t think it was that much of a ‘mystery’. Actually to be honest- page 181 is when we know there’s a VICTIM, we don’t find out that she dies until page 216.
Yes, I will admit that there was a twist ending to the ‘mystery’ but I really didn’t care- I was just glad to finish the book off.

Book 6- Inventing A Nation by Gore Vidal. This was book talks about the formation of the United States’ Federal Government. Vidal starts just prior to Washington becoming President, and ends with Washington’s death in 1799…It does talk about Washington and Adam’s presidency but main focus is Hamilton’s Federalist ideas Vs. Jefferson’s Republicanism. Or to put it another way- Federal Government V. State rights.
It is a short book so it only gets the reader’s feet wet with these ideas… And even then, Vidal goes out of his way to talk about ‘current events’- such as the republic’s electoral college leading to the 2000 Florida Supreme Court Decision . Vidal also mentions that Franklin feared that the government that he was trying to help found, would only end in despotism- like other governments that have come before, and then in the next paragraph Vidal says “Now, two centuries and sixteen years later, Franklin’s blunt dark prophecy has come true; popular corruption has given birth to that Despotic Government which he foresaw as inevitable at our birth.” So Vidal colors the book about the founding of our federal government with the current state of the federal government.


That's it for now... have to do job search- esp as I've been spending WAY TOO MUCH time this am on Facebook's superpowers... They released a new power and I was like a kid in the candy store just attacking a zillion times it seems

Family Vaca

Well I came back yesterday and I went to the game store to have lunch with my bestest friend…
He took one look at me and declared that I looked happy and thus MUST NOT have spent all that long with my dad.

And that is the ever loving truth.
My Dad blew me off for his wife. This is NOT the first time he did it, it won’t be the last but I know I didn’t really give a damn. Or to be more exact- I was sorta pleased that he blew me off because it meant I didn’t have to see him and HE has the guilt of canceling on me instead of vica versa. Though that said, I don’t think he has any guilt about blowing me off- because if he did- he wouldn’t do it so often.

What happened is I arrived at my sister’s place on Sunday night; where my brother, his finacee, my niece, my mom, and my sister’s family (her hubby, and two sons). We had planned to go to the Bronx Zoo on Monday. Now as we were getting ready to leave, I realized that my winter jacket was too heavy but I wanted a jacket as rain was predicted. So I left my coat and borrowed a rain coat from my sister.
While at the park, my brother checked his voice mail and said that there was a message from our father. That our dad was trying to get in touch with me because our father had decided rather then meet with me for dinner on Wednesday, he was going to go with his wife on her book signing trip.
I rolled my eyes and thought this was typical. I had made plans with my Dad to see him on Wednesday night for dinner, and he was ditching me because his wife batted her eyes and asked him to change his plans at the last minute.
I realized that since I had left MY jacket at my sister’s- I also left my cell phone. I asked to borrow my mom’s cell but a) she only had my dad’s cell phone number (and HIS phone doesn’t work at his house) and b) ‘All lines were busy’. My mom says that sometimes she can’t get a connection with her phone as her provider’s circuits are often busy. So I felt, my dad tried to get a hold of me… and wanted to cancel Wednesday, and I was having a good time with the other side of the family so I was in NO rush to call him back.
I found out about my dad’s call about mid afternoon. I then had a nice time at the zoo with previously mentioned: mom, brother, brother’s gal, niece, sister, brother in law and two nephews… My mom cut out a bit early due to the rain- taking my bro, his gal and their daughter, leaving me with my sister, her husband and their two boys. We took our time at the Zoo and then went to a pizza place for dinner. I knew in the back of my mind that I needed to call my dad back- but I was in no hurry because he was canceling on me. I called him around, perhaps, 8 pm and told him that if he wanted to meet me Tuesday BEFORE he and his wife left for her book tour- that would be ok with me.
My dad was ALL apologetic when I talked to him Monday night… He said how SORRY he was… and how he’d make it up to me… and I just nodded my head and told him I understood. I was slightly amused about how he blamed his wife for this change of plans- because suddenly SHE got nervous and wanted him to help her with the driving… So I thought even his apology showed he had no balls- as he couldn’t even man up enough to admit- she asked me and I decided to drive her around then spend time with you or ‘my grand daughter’.
I add my niece into this equation as my brother and his wife felt VERY slighted by the amount of time my dad made for them. They traveled all the way from San Fran to spend time with ‘the family’, and they spent only a couple of hours with my dad- most of which was at a book event for my father’s wife new book. Yeah- she had a party for her book on Sunday, and my brother brought his fiancée and daughter to this event… I didn’t go because I work at the game store on Sunday. So my brother, and his family, go to this book signing- and then they go to my dad’s place for like a drink before heading to our (step) sister’s house. So originally, my brother and his girls were going to join me and my dad for dinner on Wednesday…. That way I had a bit of a buffer between me and my dad, and I could maximize the time I spent with my niece…. So by canceling on ME, my dad also canceled on my brother, his fiancée and the baby.
I ended up merely changing parents and having dinner on Wednesday night with my mom, and my brother’s group… glad that I got a few more hours with my niece… and I was a happy camper- as stated at the beginning of this blog.
That said, the rest of the family- brother, mother, and brother’s gal are pissed at my dad for putting his wife above the rest of his family. I try to look at it this way- My dad made his choice and HE is the one who’s going to miss out. My niece has two parents who love her, two sisters who adore her, two cousins who are about her age, four uncles who think she’s cute (and three aunts), two grandmas and a ‘step’ grandpa… so I think my niece will be covered with love… My father however is the one missing out on her cuteness… which is Mighty Mighty cute.
Maybe I’ll talk more about the rest of my vaca later- and I HOPE to put a few pics up on facebook… but I just wanted to share the fact that I got all worked up and nervous about seeing my dad for nothing.
Oh and my mom was SO PROUD of how I looked that she gave me a brownie without ANY sort of digs- about how the brownie was like a ‘special’ treat or how I should make sure I go to the gym when I get back to ‘work off the brownie’…. She just gave it to me as a treat, and the lack of weight comments made me appreciate the brownie all the more.

Wednesday V. Thursday

The difference a day makes.

I haven’t been blogging on that often but I wanted to say that I had a *BAD* day on Wednesday. I think there were a few factors- starting with it being rainy, really rainy. I don’t usually think that the weather affects my mood, but it was really crappy and I felt trapped in my home.
The second thing that bothered me is I slept poorly. I have been taking meds to help me sleep and Tuesday night I decided to try and wan myself off the sleeping meds- by taking a ½ a pill instead of a whole. The doctor, whom has been giving me the meds, agreed with me that I should try to decrease my dosage and get off being dependent on the sleeping pills. They had first suggested taking the sleeping meds ‘as needed’ but that got me tossing and turning with me trying to figure out WHEN during the night the pill was needed… so now I’m trying to take ½ a pill when I go to bed. Well on Tuesday this didn’t work too well. I woke up around 4am and tossed and turned for a few hours. I was too tired to get out of bed, but having problems going back to sleep.
So I was tired and it was rainy. I was also nervous because I’m going to see my family next week. While I’m looking forward to seeing my sister, my sister in law (though my brother hasn’t married yet), and their kinders… I’m NOT looking forward to seeing my Dad and I’m not sure how the family is going to treat me—as this will be the first time I’ll be seeing most of them since I had my ‘melt down’ in Jan. So I’m a little worried about how they will react to me.
Heck, I’ve already tried to put boundaries up with my father. Basically my Dad said that the time HE was free for a visit was Wednesday dinner… and he offered his couch for me to sleep on. Now I should note the reason he offered me the couch is because his wife will be OUT of town and thus he feels it is ok for me to sleep over. My mom wanted me to sleep over at my dad’s as she felt that it would mean I would be spending MORE time in NYC, and my older brother thought that it would be nice to have my dad’s couch to sleep on. I have opted to go back to my sister’s house- she lives in upstate New York, Wednesday night and then come back to Boston on Thursday. My reasoning is simple- I don’t think my dad respects my boundaries and the last thing I want to do is be left ALONE in his apartment with him. Especially as since I would be sleeping on the coach, I have no door to close or other way to shut him down other then showing him I’m taking a sleeping pill and going to bed NOW- and I would totally need a full pill to calm me down after my dad.
Again as far as my dad understanding boundaries, he tried to talk to me about access to MY therapist. And I ‘loved’ when he finally told me WHY he wanted to talk to my therapist… the two sentences that stand out are
“The reason i want to talk to Dr. ***** is that i want to be part of the team that helps you and i want him on the team too.” And this made me scratch my head- he wants PROOF that my therapist is on MY side? How does my dad do that- unless my therapist proves himself by NOT talking to my dad and thus proves that the therapist can keep my confidence?
The part that REALLY made me not want to allow my dad to talk my therapist was at the end of his letter when he said “…but I'd like his advice on whether he thinks I'm pushing you too hard or if you actually need a little pushing from someone who cares about you to help you have a better and happier life.” Now to ME that sounds like my dad needs a therapist because it sounds like my dad is looking for approval about his parenting skills. My dad likes pushing me and wants someone to tell him that he’s right to push me.

Then there was the fact that I had plans to talk to someone at my graduate school about helping me plan a way to get a library job. I was hoping this person would help me network or give me some good suggestions but in the back of my mind, on Wednesday, all I could remember is that the last person who ‘helped’ at my grad school’s career center was the one who put me in my January tail spin of depression.

The other thing that had me on edge on Wednesday was I planned on talking to my therapist. He called me a few hours before the session and cancelled… And it was like I had put stuff aside for a week, waiting to talk to him to unbottle it and look at the stuff…and I wouldn’t be getting that release.

However I was able to get myself OUT of my apartment and went to the gym on Wednesday. It was hard for me to do it- but I knew I had to get out and accomplish SOMETHING. So even though it was POURING- and I got soaked both ways… I went to the gym and while running… I tried to find my ‘happy place’ it was very hard to find the happy place- and the closest I got was a bit of a warm fuzzy. The warm fuzzy was the fact that while talking to my sister; I found out that my nephew was looking forward to seeing ME. It’s one thing for me to look forward to seeing him as he is cute and likes Batman… but it felt like something else that I have made enough of an impression on him already for him to WANT to see me. That made me feel good and I tried to focus on that.

AFTER saying how bad Wednesday was… Thursday was like a breath of fresh air. It started with some nice weather… And while I was a bit nervous about meeting the teacher at my grad school, I handled my nervousness myself. I called my father’s wife and I asked her to tell me about the teacher- as my father’s wife was the one who got the teacher’s contact information. My father’s wife went on and on about how SHE deals with her nervousness and how HER book is currently doing and all that, but she was helpful so I did pretend to listen.
I then gave myself PLENTY of time to get to my grad school and her office. I did this because I was pretty sure that I wasn’t sure where her office was… but wanted enough time to BE SURE. I also figured that it being V-D day that there might be some bake sales at the college. There were indeed bake sales but I resisted the temptations.
I had a great meeting with the teacher librarian- she was VERY helpful and ended up giving me about an hour of her time.
I then treated myself to Popeyes for lunch as I was in the neighborhood and TOTALLY in the mood for Popeyes.
Finally- as the weather was so nice on Thursday- I took a nice long walk with my psp. On Wednesday- I forced myself to go to the gym; but on Thursday- it was so nice and I was in a good mood that I took a long walk. I most likely got a better exercise on Wednesday- but I think I might have covered more distance on Thursday.

Finally with boundaries, and the rents- I JUST spoke to my mom, and she pointed out that IF I was going to be in NYC Wednesday and I wasn’t going to see my dad until DINNER- the two of us could hang out. Basically my mom is looking at the pie chart of my being at my sister’s/ in the NYC area and wants as big a piece of the time pie as she can get… Which I understand but at the same time… I let her know that I intend to have SOME time to myself in NYC on Wednesday and I want to have lunch by myself. She seemed to understand… but still… It’s like we currently have NO PLANS for Tuesday and I know she’s going to try and suggest something. Right now I think I’d like Tuesday just to be in upstate NY with my sister and her son; especially as I’m bringing a couple of movies to watch with the 5 year old.

So that’s it- still looking forward to seeing my family but still a bit nervous about it because it is MY family. I am a bit hopeful about the future for the moment- though the hope might be a bit unreasonable… And I was able to ‘get over’ Wednesday no matter how bad I felt- and I think that was cause for celebration.
Sorry for the longish post but a lot of stuff going on in my mind the past two days and not sure when I might next get to blog- as I’ll be away Sunday to Thursday.

Still Microscrewed

So as part of my day, I called Microsoft Xbox up. I did this because I had decided it had been TOO long since they’d had me on hold- and my DLC still was NOT working unless I was on line. I haven’t been too much in their face about my DLC not working because I’ve been busy looking for a job or cleaning my apartment. And I figure if my 360 doesn’t work PERFECTLY, then I won’t be tempted to buy Mass Effect or Elder Scrolls.
However I did call them, as I wasn’t in a BAD mood today and I figured I could waste an hour, or so, on hold as I tried to get them to fix things for me.
So I got transferred to an Xbox Live Supervisor- as I thought it was a ‘hardware’ problem first.
Now I’m first told to do something wiggy to my hard drive- which I do… and then re download my paid DLC. Now since being on hold for Xbox is a large part of the ‘customer experience’, while on hold I re downloaded the Marvel Hero/Villain pack and try to load my game. I figured this would be a good test as my saved game had two of the characters from the DLC pack…
And I wasn’t able to play my saved game AT ALL. This made me very mad and I complained to the supervisor…
And the supervisor ended up telling me that that the ‘heart of the problem’ was that they need to UPDATE the information about my console--- which made me see RED; as a) I just think I lost my saved Marvel game and b) this was what I was told a month ago… that they needed to update information on THEIR end.
The supervisor of course denied any knowledge of my conversation with them in Jan. and gave me a NEW reference number.
I told him that I would LIKE some Microsoft Points for my troubles… As I’m pretty unhappy with how they’re handling me… And that I don’t plan on buying any more games until they fix this problem.

Found Books

Ok first-

for the '08 book challange.
Book 2: Subtle Knife by Philip Pullman
Book 3: Amber Spyglass by Philip Pullman
Sadly I've put off writing a review about them... Shouldn't put these things off.
So will just say I've read them, Promise to read Adj's reviews of them this weekend and write my book reviews in a more timely fashion from now on.
Suffice to say I rather enjoyed Pullman's series and found it to be much better then the Harry Potter series.

Book 4- This is my Funniest 2 Edited by Mike Resnick.
This is the second collection Resnick has edited asking Science Fiction authors to share THEIR favorite funny story. Highlights included: Alan Dean Fosters’ Frankenstein V. Golem V. Effrit; David Drake’s story based on a Magic Card( who knew that Magic could be that funny); it had a couple of stories about people kissing frogs; The Day the Martels got Cable, was very dated but amusing story about a guy waiting for the cable guy.


Also I wanted to mention while cleaning I found a nice cache of books UNDER my bed; which included the Knowedge Web by James Burke, Inventing a Nation by Gore Vidal, Jewish Literacy by Rabbi Joseph Telushkin, Flywheel, Shyster and Flywheel( the Marx Brothers lost radio show) and my abnormal psych textbook. Some of these will be added to my list of books to read this year... but thought I'd share the books under my bed as I thought they make an interesting collection.

I listened to peppermenthe

( peppermenthe mentioned on my LJ that I shouldn't let my dad talk to my therapist in response to my Rules post)

So I got an email this am from my dad- he asked for my threpist's number again... saying he got it wrong or some such.

I read the letter and my first response was HELL NO! followed by a, perhaps it was FATE that made him lose the number.

I thought about answering the letter but put it off. I called my sister as she's been a BIG HELP about setting limits for my parents. I feel I've been calling her a bit too much but I'd rather call her then call my mom.

Especially as another new rule is I'm TRYING not to make fun of my dad or his current wife with my mom. I started that new rule because I didn't think it was right of me to 'gain points' with my mom by being mean to my dad's current wife- even if I do dislike the current wife...
I didn't tell my mom my 'new rule' of trying not to pick on the current wife... but I did tell her I didn't want us to pick on my dad because I don't want to be caught between the two of them anymore.
She seemed to understand this but at the same time, I rolled my eyes when I let slip a compliant about my dad and she pointed out what a one note wonder he is.
I had called my dad yesterday at 5pm, so I could relax after talking to him. My dad then brought up since it was NOT 10 PM if he could bring up the idea of me cleaning my apartment.... because even though I'm getting a service to help me clean( which my MOM is paying for) he's still big on me to clean.

I think that's why I didn't give my dad my therapist's number because if I can't trust him to respect MY boundaries in a normal conversation- how can I trust him with my therapist.

New Rule...

Ok... I came up with this rule about a week ago- but I keep breaking it.

The rule- NOT talking to my parents after 9pm. Currently I'm taking meds to help me sleep. As I've mentioned here before, I have problems relaxing and sleeping. So I'm taking a somewhat strong medication to help me sleep.
Last week I tried taking something else- and it got me on the side affects.

I answered the phone at 10pm last night because of the game. I had watched the bowl to 'bond' with the family.... as I didn't really care one way or the other. It was a pretty good game and I was prepared to discuss the game with my dad.

My dad however took this time to say HE wanted to talk to my therapist… And I was like WTF? Because the guy is suppose to be MY therapist- I’m going to him because right now I’m suffering from depression. And of course I’m more then a little worried that my dad is going to ‘high jack’ my therapist and tell him what WE should be going over. My social worker already complained about the amount of calls she got from my parents.
The second thing he brought up was the fact that I’ve been stressing about how dirty my place is. Which to be honest- I’m not stressing right now over how dirty it is- but how much my dad and my mom want me to CLEAN it. I want my focus to be to get a job and ‘get better’ but they seem to think that cleaning my apartment is MUCHO importantoto. So I’ve hired a service that should be here in about an hour to help me clean my bathroom and my kitchen. This is of course, STILL not enough for my dad. He felt that at 10 pm, he should tell me- as he knew I was hyperventilating yesterday morning, trying to get things ready for the cleaning service.
So to review- he knows that I’m having problems sleeping- and I’m taking meds for that; and he knows that I was stressing over my cleaning- so he suggests at 10PM that I take an hour each day and clean--- and I should be done in a month.
Yeah.
I felt a bit bad that a) I called back and told him NOT to upset me sooo late. I said I was sorry a bunch of time… but I really tried to tell him that 10pm wasn’t the time to talk about when he was or wasn’t going to talk to my therapist. And b) I reached for the sleeping med. I didn’t go to sleep right away- but I feel bad for using the pills as a crutch.

So again I’m going to try to stop answering the phone around 9pm.

Mantra?

Ok....

does anyone have a mantra that I could borrow?

It could be well worn... or new and shiney.

I don't care.

I just was on the T, and was wet and cranky.

And I couldn't find a happy place.

Or maybe I did.

I told myself- this too shall past, and things will get better.

So until someone gives me a better mantra I'm going to try and make - 'Things will get better' my mantra. I don't think it's me... but maybe I can make it fit.