why bother?

I've gone from being tired to being depressed.

I forced myself to the gym after work to work off some energy... but I found I burnt off the energy by stressing. So instead of running for 50 min, as I told the machine I would- I settled for 35 min.
I also wanted to blame the music as while I think that assassins is a good musical- it doesn't have a good beat to exercise to.... But the fact is my heart wasn't in it.
Just like 10 seconds ago I went to craig's list to look for a job and realized that I immediately went to the ‘customer service’ area to look for yet another in an all too long string of retail jobs.

I went to grad school. I have the most education of any of my blood relations, so why do I have such crap jobs.

I started going to the gym. I’ve lost about 40 lbs… but now I have an ache in my back from doing an exercise wrong (and this is the second time I’ve had the ache for more then a couple of days this year).
And I have to wonder to myself, why am I bothering exercising?
Yes, most days I feel better about myself… but on the other hand, a voice in my head wonders why I want to EXTEND my life?

I know that is my depression talking. Just like I a) know that I suffer bouts of depression and b) I’m not suicidal.

I just wonder sometimes why I bother- I mean I could call in sick tomorrow and go to Wendy’s for a spicy chicken sandwich. Not caring about getting written up by my bosses, Wendy’s business practices or my health.