Hate my life.

I just hate it...

I was talking to my mom and I told her how depressed I was with my job... and she had the NERVE to tell me "only you can change it." And while I dropped the F bomb I don't think I was as mean as I felt.

Because it's not ME who can change it. I don't have the power to MAKE SOMEONE hire me.

I was explaining to her that I hate retail and my new ass't manager is a peach- he does NO work save to pressure me to sell crap- Crap he doesn't really take the time to sell himself... and she's telling me I have to make my alma mater help me get a job and I have to look harder...

And I just feel it's not my fault. It's not in my power. She keeps going on as if I'm lazy- which I am... but at the same time, it seems to me that it doesn't matter how hard I work and how much I pound the pavement... I'm still not getting the job.

As I typed the beginning she called me back because she didn't want me to go to bed depressed( too late for that)... and hit another sore point- telling me that I should take some time on my next day off for ME.
I countered by pointing out the obivious- that ME TIME takes away from the job search... and don't point out the whole spiral affair of the fact that taking time for ME now( which I do too much) means a short burst of happiness that day against looking for a better job which I could land NEXT month.

I'm about to be 40 in a little over a month and like a broken record I feel that my education and my hitting the gym has accomplished NOTHING because other then the slight feel good at the beginning- I haven't seen ANY results. Yes, I have a better body but it requires constant work- and save for a couple of compliments- it's not like lifting weights or being able to run father has gotten me a better job ...
nor has my two diplomas... as I look at my manager's my space and am reminded again that all he has is a high school degree... and he has a wife and kids AND he makes enough money so she doesn't have to work...( as does my bro in law)...

And I just had another melt down as I typed this. Taxes. Ugh. They are done but I had a melt down as I realized that I only finished them tonight( don't want to go into gory details about THAT) BUT I needed a paperclip when done( to attach w2 to 1040). So feeling a NEED for said paperclip- I went to game store to steal.. take one... but couldn't find any and it was too late to buy some at the CVS. So will have to finish it tomorrow.

Calming down... but still unhappy and still expect not to sleep well tonight which will lead to more unhappiness tomorrow... though I will force myself to go to the gym.