Stressed...
Part of me doesn’t understand why I’m so stressed. In a week from now (plus a few hours or so) I’ll be on a plane to Ireland. I’ll be in Ireland for 3 days for my younger brother’s wedding and then a week from Friday- I’ll leave Ireland for Amsterdam; where I’ll be staying for a week.
This will be my first vacation in about 4 years- my last one in 2002, when I went to Comic Con in San Diego. I haven’t gone on a vacation since then either due to money and or my perpetual looking for a job. I really find it sad that I’m constantly looking, or depressed because I’m NOT looking, for a newer/better job… but this is W’s America; where the proles are reamed by the rich on a regular basis.
Heck, part of my depression to this vacation is the knowledge that IF the ‘rents weren’t helping (dad with plane ticket, mom with spending $) odds are I couldn’t afford this trip on my OWN hard labor. Which makes me wonder if I truly have earned this vacation; which is stupid because as said- I think I’ve been working darn hard- it’s just that I don’t EARN the money I think I deserve…. Which I think is true of most Americans.
Then there is my fear that I won’t take advantage of this trip as much as I should. This will be the first time I’m planning a REAL trip and I fear that I’ll end up either reading in Vodel Park or… well doing something that I’m not allowed to do here in Ma. but would be legal in Amsterdam. ;-) Part of me says, so long as I have fun- it’s not important WHAT I do- how many Rembrandts I see( it’s his like 600th birthday this year) or if I go on a day trip to the Hague( as I read they have a Escher exhibit there), or if I just chill out on the Pooten boat( which is like a crazy cat lady’s house- but it’s a BOAT.)
In the back of my mind, I know on some level I deserve this trip- but on the other hand, in the back of my mind, I think on some level that I don’t. I haven’t been looking for a job for the last month or so, as I didn’t want any conflicts. The last thing I want is to tell a prospective employer that I’m going to Amsterdam… as most of my co-workers think I’m going to Amsterdam for one of two reasons- both of which I do plan to take advantage of
;-)
And it’s hard for me to relax these days… because to relax means escapism. Whenever I think about what’s going on in my life- I get depressed. Things rarely turn out the way I want.
An example is ( warning geek alert) I’m trying to work out a heroclix trade. For the non geeks- heroclix are little plastic figures of superheroes that can be played as a game. I’m sadly addicted to these things, even though they drain a good amount of money from my bank account. I got what I consider very good trade bait… and Evan has helped me try to figure out when a deal would be worth it or not. That said I’m steps away from accepting a good deal but not my IDEAL deal for my figures. The reason I’m going to accept it, is because- like much in my life, I haven’t been able to get what I really want and am willing to accept a comprise to get what I can “live with”.
Oddly what’s keeping me going is not the trip to Amsterdam but my NEW body. I like the idea that I’ll be in better shape then my two brothers. I found it odd that I’ve gotten a narcissistic streak to me, as I like looking at my body and noticing things- like the fact that I can now see my collar bone.
What I’m saying is I’ve got to re-learn how to relax. Even at work when all I have to do is throw a boomerang( again not mentioning the exact name of the product as we’re the only ones in Boston who sell it), I notice that I end up stressing out over all the LITTLE things that I have no control over.
Heck, while writing this I called work because I have to keep track of the boomerangs. See I get a tiny commission on what I sell (35 cents for every one I sell), so I have to keep track of what I sell. Last night I forgot to write down at the end of my shift how many we’ve sold… so I called and asked a co worker to do that. She wished me a nice day off- because that’s how she rolls. And I told her that I’m keyed up but will try to unwind a bit today… which I will try to do.
I also want to come back and blog abit about my dad today or tomorrow… which I’ve been meaning to, but perhaps thinking about him won’t decrease my stress levels; as I often get petty and angry around him.
So I’ll end this, by rambling a bit more, on some sort of positive note- I thought it was funny on a repeat of the Cobert Report that I saw yesterday, a Georgia congressman mentioned that he felt the 10 commandments should be in congress because that’s the best place for the 10 commandments. Cobert then asked the congressman to NAME the ten commandments, the senator couldn’t. The three the senator got was honor thy parents, don’t lie, and don’t steal. I thought it was f’ing funny that a) he couldn’t come up with ‘don’t kill’ and b) you’d think that if congress remembered not to lie or steal, that there wouldn’t be so much scandal these days.
This will be my first vacation in about 4 years- my last one in 2002, when I went to Comic Con in San Diego. I haven’t gone on a vacation since then either due to money and or my perpetual looking for a job. I really find it sad that I’m constantly looking, or depressed because I’m NOT looking, for a newer/better job… but this is W’s America; where the proles are reamed by the rich on a regular basis.
Heck, part of my depression to this vacation is the knowledge that IF the ‘rents weren’t helping (dad with plane ticket, mom with spending $) odds are I couldn’t afford this trip on my OWN hard labor. Which makes me wonder if I truly have earned this vacation; which is stupid because as said- I think I’ve been working darn hard- it’s just that I don’t EARN the money I think I deserve…. Which I think is true of most Americans.
Then there is my fear that I won’t take advantage of this trip as much as I should. This will be the first time I’m planning a REAL trip and I fear that I’ll end up either reading in Vodel Park or… well doing something that I’m not allowed to do here in Ma. but would be legal in Amsterdam. ;-) Part of me says, so long as I have fun- it’s not important WHAT I do- how many Rembrandts I see( it’s his like 600th birthday this year) or if I go on a day trip to the Hague( as I read they have a Escher exhibit there), or if I just chill out on the Pooten boat( which is like a crazy cat lady’s house- but it’s a BOAT.)
In the back of my mind, I know on some level I deserve this trip- but on the other hand, in the back of my mind, I think on some level that I don’t. I haven’t been looking for a job for the last month or so, as I didn’t want any conflicts. The last thing I want is to tell a prospective employer that I’m going to Amsterdam… as most of my co-workers think I’m going to Amsterdam for one of two reasons- both of which I do plan to take advantage of
;-)
And it’s hard for me to relax these days… because to relax means escapism. Whenever I think about what’s going on in my life- I get depressed. Things rarely turn out the way I want.
An example is ( warning geek alert) I’m trying to work out a heroclix trade. For the non geeks- heroclix are little plastic figures of superheroes that can be played as a game. I’m sadly addicted to these things, even though they drain a good amount of money from my bank account. I got what I consider very good trade bait… and Evan has helped me try to figure out when a deal would be worth it or not. That said I’m steps away from accepting a good deal but not my IDEAL deal for my figures. The reason I’m going to accept it, is because- like much in my life, I haven’t been able to get what I really want and am willing to accept a comprise to get what I can “live with”.
Oddly what’s keeping me going is not the trip to Amsterdam but my NEW body. I like the idea that I’ll be in better shape then my two brothers. I found it odd that I’ve gotten a narcissistic streak to me, as I like looking at my body and noticing things- like the fact that I can now see my collar bone.
What I’m saying is I’ve got to re-learn how to relax. Even at work when all I have to do is throw a boomerang( again not mentioning the exact name of the product as we’re the only ones in Boston who sell it), I notice that I end up stressing out over all the LITTLE things that I have no control over.
Heck, while writing this I called work because I have to keep track of the boomerangs. See I get a tiny commission on what I sell (35 cents for every one I sell), so I have to keep track of what I sell. Last night I forgot to write down at the end of my shift how many we’ve sold… so I called and asked a co worker to do that. She wished me a nice day off- because that’s how she rolls. And I told her that I’m keyed up but will try to unwind a bit today… which I will try to do.
I also want to come back and blog abit about my dad today or tomorrow… which I’ve been meaning to, but perhaps thinking about him won’t decrease my stress levels; as I often get petty and angry around him.
So I’ll end this, by rambling a bit more, on some sort of positive note- I thought it was funny on a repeat of the Cobert Report that I saw yesterday, a Georgia congressman mentioned that he felt the 10 commandments should be in congress because that’s the best place for the 10 commandments. Cobert then asked the congressman to NAME the ten commandments, the senator couldn’t. The three the senator got was honor thy parents, don’t lie, and don’t steal. I thought it was f’ing funny that a) he couldn’t come up with ‘don’t kill’ and b) you’d think that if congress remembered not to lie or steal, that there wouldn’t be so much scandal these days.
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