Little Ego
This is one of those blog posts that have been in my mind for a while but I haven’t written because it’s hard for me to write.
I chalk up part of my little ego to “Middle Child Syndrome”. One of those amazing terms I’ve learnt in college psych classes and therapy. This “Syndrome” means that there was always somebody cuter, stronger and better then me in the house. Best example for me of this is poor Jan Brady. They never really gave her a plot where she somehow was BETTER then any of her other siblings… She was always bracketed between her two sisters… Even Bobby got to do more then her..
In my family- My older brother was a jock. He was also a lush and ANGRY. At a certain point I stopped wanting to be him and just be left alone in my room. He was also my mom’s favorite. It wasn’t until years later that I found out that my dad was an absent dad for him as well; not going to much of my bro’s swim meets
(Yeah my older brother was a SWIMMER- which meant he got mad at all of the gays who tried to pick him up because he was young, in shape and shaved his body….)
My relationship with my younger brother was more obviously built on jealousy. I envied the fact that he grew up in a “Nuclear Family Household”. I knew that if I EVER laid a hand on him, not that I EVER would, my ass would be grass. I still remember being chewed out because I was babysitting for him and HE did something stupid and his mom made it out to be MY fault for allowing this. I knew that he was the favored one. It was obvious because every x-mas he would get WAY more (and better) presents then me and my older brother.
So I’m a Beta Male and have a low ego because I know that there’s someone around the corner who’s smarter, funnier and better then me. I remember in my first real job when I was passed over for a promotion. I had worked there for a year longer and I felt I had paid my dues… and was told by my Manager that due paying wasn’t what it was about- the other person was better then me and thus got the promotion. I literally saw red and I know my job performance took a nose dive. And I stopped hanging out with the girl who got promoted over me…
I thought it was amusing that my mother had been saying that the reason I haven’t been able to get a job in the Library field was because I was FAT. Way to go Mom. Like they could somehow look at my resume and go; Man this guy is sooo fat, we don’t even want to interview him- he’s that fat.
So I’ve lost the weight… I’ve tried to adjust my body image… but I’m still a short oldish man. Yes, I’m in better shape then many of my friends but that’s not saying much… I’m still older then most of my co-workers, who are all younger and in better shape then me. The one exception to this is an older guy who looks like a balding santa and the girls find CUTE. I don’t think of myself as cute.
Heck, as I’ve lost weight my mom wants me to start dating. I guess now that I’m not fat, it’s acceptable for me to produce grandkids for her( preferably jewish ones from j-list). However no word from her on why I’m STILL not getting library interviews- even though they should KNOW I’ve lost weight.
I will admit that because of the impending trip, work and general depression… I haven’t been applying as much as I should- which is par for the course. My therapist( when I went to one) gave me the psycho speech of how “ I don’t try HARD, that way when I fail… I can said IF I had tried, I would’ve succeeded.”
No, I try… I try hard. Maybe sometimes I don’t give it my all, but sometimes that’s because I don’t feel a return on my investments. If I send out 4 resumes one week and 8 resumes two weeks later and I don’t receive call backs for the next month… Does that mean I should up it to try and send 12; or that I’m depressed because I haven’t heard anything and thus don’t see the difference my effort has made… so why not send out 4 resumes and hang out more with a friend.
I worked hard for Staples at the beginning- and had nothing to show for it. So I stopped working hard at Staples- and you know what, nothing all that bad happened for my lack of effort. I’ve worked hard at most of my jobs, and I never got a promotion… just sometimes a nice word or two. And told to work SMARTER not harder.
I remember at one job, I got peeved because I was reviewed based on my ‘potential’. I told them I was doing a much better job then some of my other co-workers, never mind the fact that I was also going to grad school at the time. My supervisor and manager both pointed out, that yes I was working harder then person A- but that I could be working HARDER.
I don’t have a job I like. At any retail job, you are exceedingly replaceable. The only reason they had a problem filling my spot at Staples is because the cow is so bad that nobody else wanted to work with her. For every job that I apply to, there are going to be like 5 other people who are younger, smarter and have more experience.
And that’s what kills me- I feel my resume has ‘flop sweat’ on it. Whenever someone in the library field looks at it- they HAVE to wonder “Gee, he hasn’t worked in a library since he graduated; I wonder why. Maybe there’s something wrong with him and that’s why he hasn’t been hired by anyone else… I better move on to the next resume.”
Sorry, as in last post am just depressed because of work. Also because I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in but don’t feel confident enough to ask any girl out because I’m old, balding and stuck in a dead end job that doesn’t pay a real living wage. Hope at least something here managed to make sense.
I chalk up part of my little ego to “Middle Child Syndrome”. One of those amazing terms I’ve learnt in college psych classes and therapy. This “Syndrome” means that there was always somebody cuter, stronger and better then me in the house. Best example for me of this is poor Jan Brady. They never really gave her a plot where she somehow was BETTER then any of her other siblings… She was always bracketed between her two sisters… Even Bobby got to do more then her..
In my family- My older brother was a jock. He was also a lush and ANGRY. At a certain point I stopped wanting to be him and just be left alone in my room. He was also my mom’s favorite. It wasn’t until years later that I found out that my dad was an absent dad for him as well; not going to much of my bro’s swim meets
(Yeah my older brother was a SWIMMER- which meant he got mad at all of the gays who tried to pick him up because he was young, in shape and shaved his body….)
My relationship with my younger brother was more obviously built on jealousy. I envied the fact that he grew up in a “Nuclear Family Household”. I knew that if I EVER laid a hand on him, not that I EVER would, my ass would be grass. I still remember being chewed out because I was babysitting for him and HE did something stupid and his mom made it out to be MY fault for allowing this. I knew that he was the favored one. It was obvious because every x-mas he would get WAY more (and better) presents then me and my older brother.
So I’m a Beta Male and have a low ego because I know that there’s someone around the corner who’s smarter, funnier and better then me. I remember in my first real job when I was passed over for a promotion. I had worked there for a year longer and I felt I had paid my dues… and was told by my Manager that due paying wasn’t what it was about- the other person was better then me and thus got the promotion. I literally saw red and I know my job performance took a nose dive. And I stopped hanging out with the girl who got promoted over me…
I thought it was amusing that my mother had been saying that the reason I haven’t been able to get a job in the Library field was because I was FAT. Way to go Mom. Like they could somehow look at my resume and go; Man this guy is sooo fat, we don’t even want to interview him- he’s that fat.
So I’ve lost the weight… I’ve tried to adjust my body image… but I’m still a short oldish man. Yes, I’m in better shape then many of my friends but that’s not saying much… I’m still older then most of my co-workers, who are all younger and in better shape then me. The one exception to this is an older guy who looks like a balding santa and the girls find CUTE. I don’t think of myself as cute.
Heck, as I’ve lost weight my mom wants me to start dating. I guess now that I’m not fat, it’s acceptable for me to produce grandkids for her( preferably jewish ones from j-list). However no word from her on why I’m STILL not getting library interviews- even though they should KNOW I’ve lost weight.
I will admit that because of the impending trip, work and general depression… I haven’t been applying as much as I should- which is par for the course. My therapist( when I went to one) gave me the psycho speech of how “ I don’t try HARD, that way when I fail… I can said IF I had tried, I would’ve succeeded.”
No, I try… I try hard. Maybe sometimes I don’t give it my all, but sometimes that’s because I don’t feel a return on my investments. If I send out 4 resumes one week and 8 resumes two weeks later and I don’t receive call backs for the next month… Does that mean I should up it to try and send 12; or that I’m depressed because I haven’t heard anything and thus don’t see the difference my effort has made… so why not send out 4 resumes and hang out more with a friend.
I worked hard for Staples at the beginning- and had nothing to show for it. So I stopped working hard at Staples- and you know what, nothing all that bad happened for my lack of effort. I’ve worked hard at most of my jobs, and I never got a promotion… just sometimes a nice word or two. And told to work SMARTER not harder.
I remember at one job, I got peeved because I was reviewed based on my ‘potential’. I told them I was doing a much better job then some of my other co-workers, never mind the fact that I was also going to grad school at the time. My supervisor and manager both pointed out, that yes I was working harder then person A- but that I could be working HARDER.
I don’t have a job I like. At any retail job, you are exceedingly replaceable. The only reason they had a problem filling my spot at Staples is because the cow is so bad that nobody else wanted to work with her. For every job that I apply to, there are going to be like 5 other people who are younger, smarter and have more experience.
And that’s what kills me- I feel my resume has ‘flop sweat’ on it. Whenever someone in the library field looks at it- they HAVE to wonder “Gee, he hasn’t worked in a library since he graduated; I wonder why. Maybe there’s something wrong with him and that’s why he hasn’t been hired by anyone else… I better move on to the next resume.”
Sorry, as in last post am just depressed because of work. Also because I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in but don’t feel confident enough to ask any girl out because I’m old, balding and stuck in a dead end job that doesn’t pay a real living wage. Hope at least something here managed to make sense.
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