My Older bro
Ok, I blogged a bit about my trip, now I want to blog abit about my family. I’ve been meaning to do this for a bit- just to let people what’s up with me and where I’m coming from… I think this is even better now as I can fit in any wedding bits about them at the same time….
I start with my older brother because right before I left I was telling a co-worker I like about Jon (my older bro). I told her about him as I told her I had misgivings about the wedding because of him and my father’s current wife (more on her in another blog entry). When describing him, I went straight for the jugular. I told her that my brother hit me as a kid. Now I should note that it took me until my 20’s that I told this to my father and I still haven’t TOLD my mom( though she might know). However I realized that I started with the beatings because it clearly illustrates my older brother’s behavior… He likes to be dominating and uses the tools he has to get his way. Likewise he was an angry young man and took his anger out on me; as I’m smaller and weaker then he was as a kid. I’m still smaller then him but at the wedding, he was the fat one (evil grin).
To go a step further, this is another story I like to repeat. In college, I was back at my mom’s for a weekend or something… Don’t remember why I was back, I just remember that she was yelling at me and for the FIRST time in my life, I wasn’t taking it. I got all up in her grill. She then started trembling and asked me to PLEASE DON’T HIT HER. I was shocked, and I took a step back. While I knew she was in better shape then me, I realized I was taller, younger and ‘outweighed’ her by at least 30 lbs. I almost laughed… I did walk out and had BK for dinner. I just was amazed that she thought that I would EVER lay a hand on her. Of course, the reason I’m including this in a blog about my older brother is because a few months later- HE hit her. So she knew that she had raised a couple of messed up kids, she just didn’t fully realized that Jon was the abusive one.
I did think it was interesting that I started with my co-worker with the beatings. Again as a kid, I was ashamed by this and I blocked it out as an adult until Jon asked for my forgiveness. Jerk. When I told my Dad about this, my dad showed his cluelessness by asking me why I didn’t tattle on Jon. I tried, but failed, to explain to my Dad that my older brother was more of a constant in my life then HE was. See we spent at least one day and every other weekend with my Dad, so my Dad thought that this was ‘consistent’ and I couldn’t explain the logic problem with this. So imagine explaining to a 6 year old, if you have one, that they’ll be at one house on Wednesday- so at the beginning of Wednesday, they should bring whatever schoolbooks they need for Thursday with them, or that on Friday, they should try to remember to make sure they have clean clothes at the other house until Monday; nevermind that the kid still hasn’t learnt how to tell time. So my older brother was THERE with me more often then my Mom and/or Dad- as bro was at both houses; and since they worked I’d be at either house alone with him… and he made sure I’d know that he’d beat me up for telling.
I believed Jon and had my father told me that he’d protect me from Jon as a kid, I wouldn’t have trusted my dad… as in my mind Jon was a bigger figure then Dad.
Likewise, last year Jon visited my apartment and told me that he’d come back to Boston and help me clean up if I wanted. I told him and my Mom that I emphatically didn’t want that. I explained to my Mom that as adult- my older brother physically threatened me because I didn’t want to see a movie he wanted to see. She explained to me that the incident I spoke of was years ago… As I guess was his hitting her, but I didn’t bring THAT up. I merely explained to her, that Jon is used to getting his way and will threaten people to get it. I didn’t want his help because I KNEW at some point in cleaning, I’d disagree with Jon and I didn’t trust my older brother to let ME make my own choices about my apartment.
So I told my co-worker that my bro hit me, because a) I’m not ashamed of it anymore… Brother Jon was the one with the problem; not me and b) It cuts through the red tape and shows why I don’t like him. That said, she asked me “So you haven’t forgiven him for this?” My first answer, which I didn’t share with her- was “No, we’re Jewish; Big on Vengeance- not so much on forgiveness.” This might have worked as she’s also Jewish but I simply said “Nope.” And went on to explain that at one point he was thinking about being a shrink, and explained to me that he felt that he should be allowed to date his patients- as others are allowed to date their “co-workers” so why shouldn’t he. I was appalled by this; and not just because his first girlfriend’s father got in trouble for doing exactly that…. I went on and explained I thought this was ghastly as a) you go to your therapist for help and trust. Imagine the gray areas if your boyfriend uses what you tell him in therapy during a fight b) Therapists are given by their trainings tools to seriously mind fuck someone. They are given these tools to HELP but they can be turned to HARM, just like guns can be used to protect a home or to terrorize a home.
She however grokked better the whole ‘not dating patients’ better then my older brother because her mom was her dad’s patient. Something I found very interesting and want to hear more about, esp. as while I like this co-worker I think she’s a bit mental herself.
So I don’t like my brother because he’s a big bully. Also, as I think I’ve noted here, he doesn’t think at all about others. I mention that while I was in A’dam, I did pot… Well one of the reasons I’m not a BIG pot smoker [I can still count the amount of highs using only my hands… and I can include the time I used Nitrous and still not go to my feet] is because of my brother and father. Both of them smoke sooo much that my older brother couldn’t go a week without getting high… I say this because I found a beer bong in his toiletry kit in Ireland. He took a beer bong with him to Ireland and risked jail time because he couldn’t get through the wedding without lighting up. Both my older brother and my dad are people I currently don’t want to be like, so if they smoke… I’ve often felt I won’t.
I changed this thought process slightly as a friend recently (a year or so) has given me a couple of brownies… While I’m still against smoking the stuff, I don’t seem to have a real problem with eating it. Indeed, I do think I enjoyed my trip to A’dam more by having the space cake.
A little note here at the end: Even though my older brother beat me and my mom, he’s her favorite… As my father was quick to point out to me on the same trip where I told him Jon beat me… and my younger bro; who was a DEALER, is my dad’s favorite.
I start with my older brother because right before I left I was telling a co-worker I like about Jon (my older bro). I told her about him as I told her I had misgivings about the wedding because of him and my father’s current wife (more on her in another blog entry). When describing him, I went straight for the jugular. I told her that my brother hit me as a kid. Now I should note that it took me until my 20’s that I told this to my father and I still haven’t TOLD my mom( though she might know). However I realized that I started with the beatings because it clearly illustrates my older brother’s behavior… He likes to be dominating and uses the tools he has to get his way. Likewise he was an angry young man and took his anger out on me; as I’m smaller and weaker then he was as a kid. I’m still smaller then him but at the wedding, he was the fat one (evil grin).
To go a step further, this is another story I like to repeat. In college, I was back at my mom’s for a weekend or something… Don’t remember why I was back, I just remember that she was yelling at me and for the FIRST time in my life, I wasn’t taking it. I got all up in her grill. She then started trembling and asked me to PLEASE DON’T HIT HER. I was shocked, and I took a step back. While I knew she was in better shape then me, I realized I was taller, younger and ‘outweighed’ her by at least 30 lbs. I almost laughed… I did walk out and had BK for dinner. I just was amazed that she thought that I would EVER lay a hand on her. Of course, the reason I’m including this in a blog about my older brother is because a few months later- HE hit her. So she knew that she had raised a couple of messed up kids, she just didn’t fully realized that Jon was the abusive one.
I did think it was interesting that I started with my co-worker with the beatings. Again as a kid, I was ashamed by this and I blocked it out as an adult until Jon asked for my forgiveness. Jerk. When I told my Dad about this, my dad showed his cluelessness by asking me why I didn’t tattle on Jon. I tried, but failed, to explain to my Dad that my older brother was more of a constant in my life then HE was. See we spent at least one day and every other weekend with my Dad, so my Dad thought that this was ‘consistent’ and I couldn’t explain the logic problem with this. So imagine explaining to a 6 year old, if you have one, that they’ll be at one house on Wednesday- so at the beginning of Wednesday, they should bring whatever schoolbooks they need for Thursday with them, or that on Friday, they should try to remember to make sure they have clean clothes at the other house until Monday; nevermind that the kid still hasn’t learnt how to tell time. So my older brother was THERE with me more often then my Mom and/or Dad- as bro was at both houses; and since they worked I’d be at either house alone with him… and he made sure I’d know that he’d beat me up for telling.
I believed Jon and had my father told me that he’d protect me from Jon as a kid, I wouldn’t have trusted my dad… as in my mind Jon was a bigger figure then Dad.
Likewise, last year Jon visited my apartment and told me that he’d come back to Boston and help me clean up if I wanted. I told him and my Mom that I emphatically didn’t want that. I explained to my Mom that as adult- my older brother physically threatened me because I didn’t want to see a movie he wanted to see. She explained to me that the incident I spoke of was years ago… As I guess was his hitting her, but I didn’t bring THAT up. I merely explained to her, that Jon is used to getting his way and will threaten people to get it. I didn’t want his help because I KNEW at some point in cleaning, I’d disagree with Jon and I didn’t trust my older brother to let ME make my own choices about my apartment.
So I told my co-worker that my bro hit me, because a) I’m not ashamed of it anymore… Brother Jon was the one with the problem; not me and b) It cuts through the red tape and shows why I don’t like him. That said, she asked me “So you haven’t forgiven him for this?” My first answer, which I didn’t share with her- was “No, we’re Jewish; Big on Vengeance- not so much on forgiveness.” This might have worked as she’s also Jewish but I simply said “Nope.” And went on to explain that at one point he was thinking about being a shrink, and explained to me that he felt that he should be allowed to date his patients- as others are allowed to date their “co-workers” so why shouldn’t he. I was appalled by this; and not just because his first girlfriend’s father got in trouble for doing exactly that…. I went on and explained I thought this was ghastly as a) you go to your therapist for help and trust. Imagine the gray areas if your boyfriend uses what you tell him in therapy during a fight b) Therapists are given by their trainings tools to seriously mind fuck someone. They are given these tools to HELP but they can be turned to HARM, just like guns can be used to protect a home or to terrorize a home.
She however grokked better the whole ‘not dating patients’ better then my older brother because her mom was her dad’s patient. Something I found very interesting and want to hear more about, esp. as while I like this co-worker I think she’s a bit mental herself.
So I don’t like my brother because he’s a big bully. Also, as I think I’ve noted here, he doesn’t think at all about others. I mention that while I was in A’dam, I did pot… Well one of the reasons I’m not a BIG pot smoker [I can still count the amount of highs using only my hands… and I can include the time I used Nitrous and still not go to my feet] is because of my brother and father. Both of them smoke sooo much that my older brother couldn’t go a week without getting high… I say this because I found a beer bong in his toiletry kit in Ireland. He took a beer bong with him to Ireland and risked jail time because he couldn’t get through the wedding without lighting up. Both my older brother and my dad are people I currently don’t want to be like, so if they smoke… I’ve often felt I won’t.
I changed this thought process slightly as a friend recently (a year or so) has given me a couple of brownies… While I’m still against smoking the stuff, I don’t seem to have a real problem with eating it. Indeed, I do think I enjoyed my trip to A’dam more by having the space cake.
A little note here at the end: Even though my older brother beat me and my mom, he’s her favorite… As my father was quick to point out to me on the same trip where I told him Jon beat me… and my younger bro; who was a DEALER, is my dad’s favorite.
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