Talking about My dad
I started this blog last week but didn't get around to finishing it til today... the reason for the blog about my dad is I had a 'visit' from him last Monday that blew most of my week to hell.
First most of what I say in this blog I don't say to my dad. I don't talk to him about stuff because as said in my 'three stories' post, when I call him on stuff he calls me evil, or he'll turn it around( once I called him rigid and he actually said "I'm not rigid, YOU ARE." I wanted to retort that I was rubber and he was glue but since I was in my 30's, I stopped myself from that.
My father is often on my case to understand or empathize with others, and yet he's never tried to understand me. I remember one of the few vacations we had together, he apologized for leaving my mom. I told him, honestly, that as a kid I had never thought of it- his leaving my mom was simply something that WAS- he left when I was about 3 or 4. I did however admit that the toughness was going back and forth to each houses and trying to plan things several days in advance. I thought I was sharing, he however turned around and pointed out that there was a schedule- it never changed, as if defending how things were... I muttered that this was BEFORE I learnt how to tell time and let it drop.
Last Monday I met with my dad for lunch. I got 'in the zone' so while I got depressed afterwards I didn't say anything to rock the boat and get into an argument. "In the zone" means I got drunk enough so that I didn't flip out when my father 'helpingly' pointed out my flaws and not SO drunk that I told him something I shouldn't have.
The interesting points I took away from the talk were thus:
One My father came THIS CLOSE to understanding me and then missed the point entirely. He has often wished that I was more religious, never mind the fact that I don't remember seeing him in a temple since I was in the choir and not entirely SURE that he went more then once even then. He remembered that I had joined a temple ages ago and wanted to know what happened with that. I told him that I had realized that organized religion isn't for me, that I believe that religion is something personal and that's why I stopped. There was more stuff, but that was the nub of it... Instead of asking me to explain or point out why HE didn't go to temple or church( as his 2nd and 3rd wife are Christian), he pointed out that this MUST be part of my anti authority kick. He then went on a tad about how he noticed that I have problems with authority figures in the work place and elsewhere... and then let that part of the conversation drop. I thought it was VERY funny that he realized that I have this anti authority kick but hasn't stopped to think maybe it's because of WHO the authority figures in my childhood were...
Or to put it another way... I find it funny that a guy who has broken several commandments on a regular basis wants ME to be more religious. I especially found it funny as during Prince Charles' second wedding a week or so ago, he had to PUBLICLY apologize for adultery before the Archbishop would allow recognize his second marriage. My father cheated on both his first wife( my mom) and his second wife( my younger brother's mom). As said, at 4 when he left I didn't give this stuff a second thought... and at 10 I was sorta glad he left because I saw how angry and bitter my older brother was because HE remembered their arguing... but when his second wife kicked him out for cheating on her, I started to get ticked off by his apology for leaving my mom and it was 1/2 hearted at best.
He again brought up the fact that leaving my mom was NOT planned and sorta went after her a bit. I don't get involved... I usually don't pit one parent against the other because that's not my style... Heck as a teenager I was AMAZED that my folks still talked to each other, though it was usually about me and my brother.
The other thing that cheesed me off about our lunch is that my father came after me about his CURRENT wife. Now to be frank, I don't like her I think she married him for his money. I did have ONE conversation about her with my father before they got married. My father broke down and started talking in a hurt voice about how SHE made him happy and didn't HE deserve a little happiness in his life... I let it drop. I figured I'd want my father to accept whatever female I brought home and so should do the same for him. Recently his wife's sister died. I thought this was sad as I liked the sister more then the wife... but I didn't go to the funeral because I was working that day and I just didn't really want to jump through hoops. I liked the sister but the funerals are for the living and I don't like my dad's wife so I didn't try. My dad laid a guilt trip on me about how his wife was DEEPLY angered by this. How she needs all the support she can get because her life will be filled with NOTHING BUT DEATH... Her sister died, their dog is slowly dying and she will out live my dad. He then goes for the jugular, again bringing up how HIS PARENTS DIED WHEN HE WAS YOUNG, LEAVING HIM WITH NO FAMILY. Ok to put this in perspective- which I didn't with him... One I'm sorry her sister died but neither the wife or sister was really 'family' to me. Two, they recently went to china for a couple of weeks- leaving the SICK dog in a kennel... where there was a good chance he'd die there while they were gone. I don't think that was nice of them. Third, females live longer then men by a good decade- he's more then a decade older then her SO she went into the marriage knowing that she'd end up a widow AND that he didn't want more kids.
I don't feel sorry for her- for all the times my dad has told me he's near death and I've had to deal with THAT... Nope don't feel sorry for his wife.
And I'm getting tired of his whining about my grandparents death. He was 17-18 years old when they died... so it's not like he had to go into the foster home system where he was abused and passed around... or his 'guardian' spent all of his inheritance and then put him out on the street to sell newspapers( two points for the person to identify the superhero who has that as their origin). And he did have family who cared about him- no brothers or sisters but aunts and uncles.
Yes I used to feel sorry for him about my grandparents dying, but he's milked that for all it's worth.
I thought it was really odd that while he's annoyed because I'm not more religious, he also gets pissed because I'm too MORAL. He told me to lie on my resume ages ago... and I refused. I told him a) I don't think that's right and b) the last thing I want is to get caught in a lie during an interview, that's bad news. I just figure if I have a good sense of right and wrong- isn't that better then going to temple every Friday?
That's about it. He also wanted to 'fix' my resume... pointing out that since I haven't gotten a job in a couple of months it might need tweaking. I pointed out it was done by a resume writer who's JOB it was to write resumes. He snidely pointed out that it didn't seem to be working, so maybe she wasn't good at her job. I pointed out that I had more faith in her then him and his wife- as neither one of them were the type of person who would be hiring me... and Rosemary( his wife) had been unemployed since before they got married( she was fired while they were dating and never NEEDED to get a new job after that). I've also had more jobs then he has. I mean it's great that he worked for the same company for over 20 years... but I have more experience looking for a job then him- which is sorta odd.
In conclusion- glad to vent about this and gladder that since my name is pretty darn common he won't be able to find this without me giving him the url, which I won't. And I hope this makes some sorta sense as I wrote this in two different sessions so maybe the tone changes, or not...
First most of what I say in this blog I don't say to my dad. I don't talk to him about stuff because as said in my 'three stories' post, when I call him on stuff he calls me evil, or he'll turn it around( once I called him rigid and he actually said "I'm not rigid, YOU ARE." I wanted to retort that I was rubber and he was glue but since I was in my 30's, I stopped myself from that.
My father is often on my case to understand or empathize with others, and yet he's never tried to understand me. I remember one of the few vacations we had together, he apologized for leaving my mom. I told him, honestly, that as a kid I had never thought of it- his leaving my mom was simply something that WAS- he left when I was about 3 or 4. I did however admit that the toughness was going back and forth to each houses and trying to plan things several days in advance. I thought I was sharing, he however turned around and pointed out that there was a schedule- it never changed, as if defending how things were... I muttered that this was BEFORE I learnt how to tell time and let it drop.
Last Monday I met with my dad for lunch. I got 'in the zone' so while I got depressed afterwards I didn't say anything to rock the boat and get into an argument. "In the zone" means I got drunk enough so that I didn't flip out when my father 'helpingly' pointed out my flaws and not SO drunk that I told him something I shouldn't have.
The interesting points I took away from the talk were thus:
One My father came THIS CLOSE to understanding me and then missed the point entirely. He has often wished that I was more religious, never mind the fact that I don't remember seeing him in a temple since I was in the choir and not entirely SURE that he went more then once even then. He remembered that I had joined a temple ages ago and wanted to know what happened with that. I told him that I had realized that organized religion isn't for me, that I believe that religion is something personal and that's why I stopped. There was more stuff, but that was the nub of it... Instead of asking me to explain or point out why HE didn't go to temple or church( as his 2nd and 3rd wife are Christian), he pointed out that this MUST be part of my anti authority kick. He then went on a tad about how he noticed that I have problems with authority figures in the work place and elsewhere... and then let that part of the conversation drop. I thought it was VERY funny that he realized that I have this anti authority kick but hasn't stopped to think maybe it's because of WHO the authority figures in my childhood were...
Or to put it another way... I find it funny that a guy who has broken several commandments on a regular basis wants ME to be more religious. I especially found it funny as during Prince Charles' second wedding a week or so ago, he had to PUBLICLY apologize for adultery before the Archbishop would allow recognize his second marriage. My father cheated on both his first wife( my mom) and his second wife( my younger brother's mom). As said, at 4 when he left I didn't give this stuff a second thought... and at 10 I was sorta glad he left because I saw how angry and bitter my older brother was because HE remembered their arguing... but when his second wife kicked him out for cheating on her, I started to get ticked off by his apology for leaving my mom and it was 1/2 hearted at best.
He again brought up the fact that leaving my mom was NOT planned and sorta went after her a bit. I don't get involved... I usually don't pit one parent against the other because that's not my style... Heck as a teenager I was AMAZED that my folks still talked to each other, though it was usually about me and my brother.
The other thing that cheesed me off about our lunch is that my father came after me about his CURRENT wife. Now to be frank, I don't like her I think she married him for his money. I did have ONE conversation about her with my father before they got married. My father broke down and started talking in a hurt voice about how SHE made him happy and didn't HE deserve a little happiness in his life... I let it drop. I figured I'd want my father to accept whatever female I brought home and so should do the same for him. Recently his wife's sister died. I thought this was sad as I liked the sister more then the wife... but I didn't go to the funeral because I was working that day and I just didn't really want to jump through hoops. I liked the sister but the funerals are for the living and I don't like my dad's wife so I didn't try. My dad laid a guilt trip on me about how his wife was DEEPLY angered by this. How she needs all the support she can get because her life will be filled with NOTHING BUT DEATH... Her sister died, their dog is slowly dying and she will out live my dad. He then goes for the jugular, again bringing up how HIS PARENTS DIED WHEN HE WAS YOUNG, LEAVING HIM WITH NO FAMILY. Ok to put this in perspective- which I didn't with him... One I'm sorry her sister died but neither the wife or sister was really 'family' to me. Two, they recently went to china for a couple of weeks- leaving the SICK dog in a kennel... where there was a good chance he'd die there while they were gone. I don't think that was nice of them. Third, females live longer then men by a good decade- he's more then a decade older then her SO she went into the marriage knowing that she'd end up a widow AND that he didn't want more kids.
I don't feel sorry for her- for all the times my dad has told me he's near death and I've had to deal with THAT... Nope don't feel sorry for his wife.
And I'm getting tired of his whining about my grandparents death. He was 17-18 years old when they died... so it's not like he had to go into the foster home system where he was abused and passed around... or his 'guardian' spent all of his inheritance and then put him out on the street to sell newspapers( two points for the person to identify the superhero who has that as their origin). And he did have family who cared about him- no brothers or sisters but aunts and uncles.
Yes I used to feel sorry for him about my grandparents dying, but he's milked that for all it's worth.
I thought it was really odd that while he's annoyed because I'm not more religious, he also gets pissed because I'm too MORAL. He told me to lie on my resume ages ago... and I refused. I told him a) I don't think that's right and b) the last thing I want is to get caught in a lie during an interview, that's bad news. I just figure if I have a good sense of right and wrong- isn't that better then going to temple every Friday?
That's about it. He also wanted to 'fix' my resume... pointing out that since I haven't gotten a job in a couple of months it might need tweaking. I pointed out it was done by a resume writer who's JOB it was to write resumes. He snidely pointed out that it didn't seem to be working, so maybe she wasn't good at her job. I pointed out that I had more faith in her then him and his wife- as neither one of them were the type of person who would be hiring me... and Rosemary( his wife) had been unemployed since before they got married( she was fired while they were dating and never NEEDED to get a new job after that). I've also had more jobs then he has. I mean it's great that he worked for the same company for over 20 years... but I have more experience looking for a job then him- which is sorta odd.
In conclusion- glad to vent about this and gladder that since my name is pretty darn common he won't be able to find this without me giving him the url, which I won't. And I hope this makes some sorta sense as I wrote this in two different sessions so maybe the tone changes, or not...
2 Comments:
At 4/18/2005 11:17:00 AM,
Anonymous said…
wow, "in the zone", huh? perhaps I should take up drinking hehehehehehehehehehe
what was surprising in all of that for me? hmm, I actually thought you were one of the more religious people I knew, drew-how odd that you see it diff-I never really equated going to services or frequency of as being the barometer for that-def that would be a sign, but I think it is more subtle than that-my fam's never been religious but I notice how it only really comes up when they are trying to make some kind of point, you know? which goes a long way in explaining why I would never express to them how truly non-religious I am hehehehehehehehehehehe
you know you can't choose your fam, right;-) I think you're dad and my dad should get together for a nice relaxing lunch where they can commiserrate over what disappointing children they have;-D their native bostonians anyway, I'm sure they'll be back up that way anytime, a bill I'd gladly foot;-D
not being as ethical as thou, I would highly suggest the tweaking-it really is how you get ahead when "everyone else does it anyway" - and believe me, they do-most don't even check up on references as your former employer is all but barred from being allowed to speak candidly on what kind of employee you were-just stick to the industry you are interested in and give vague, nonchalant answers if questioned i.e. gosh that seems so long ago as it changed rapidly from how I saw it when I first started working there, but I still enjoy that kind of work and appear to gravitate it, which is why I am intrigued with your offer, sir hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha-I'm sorry, drew, best advice I have as I can't really say much about your father, it's not my place, and from what I have read, you don't seem all that clueless over what the real prob is, nor do I doubt you see the unlikelihood of any wondrous solution around the corner-I think some people *are* able to ignore their fam, and some... are not-you're never gonna get vindicated by any heart to heart, but I think you know that
did you see one of my previous comments? I was wondering what happened after nextel? ooh, I do not know who the hero is! I will guess plastic man as I know he comes from a background where this might be possible, but I am as sure he is not the correct one as much so as I am sure I have no chance of knowing the answer;-D omg, I would like die a thousand deaths daily if my fam saw/stumbled upon my blog, but I do lock up my less than innocuous postings for that reason-does blogger not have that feature?
- carolyn
At 4/19/2005 07:48:00 PM,
Drew said…
*shrug* well I am quisi religious- I *am* going down to see my mom for passover- it's just for me, being a jew is more about tradition then going to temple- which is what MOST people think about when they think of religion. I talked with my mom, and both of us think of her parents on Passover. Me, I think of my grandfather because he lead the service( passover is done at home with family reading the service from a booklet), we in fact joked that the passover service in my mom's house changed in legnth depending on how hungry he was. My mom thought about her mother, as my grandmother was from the old school tradition and would stay in the kitchen cooking while the rest of us ate.
I think religion is different things to different people.
And I'm not a native bostonian... I'm a NEW YAWKER. Dad's from Brooklyn but otherwise--- who knows they could be best of buds. didn't know you were from arround here...
Reason for not lying is the whole 'getting caught' part. I mean on a recent interview someone knew someone( two degrees of seperation) who worked with me at a bookstore, so they could've easily found the truth. PLUS it then creates a dimino effect... IF I was a supervisor at job A then why wasn't I a supervisor at job B or C... why take the demotion and why didn't I get back to supervisor down the line.
Sorry I forgot to comment to your comment... Nextel didn't call me back- and I didn't call them. I figure since I didn't hear from them in a week it was a NO GO. I've had an interview since then- which I did call for after a week.... but Nextel didn't seem to be a good match.
*shrug*
And that would be an interesting feature for Blogs- levels of security... you give your freinds( and maybe frequent respondents) access to RED areas but not your parents...
I still remember a onion posting where a guy's mom found his blog so he had to take it down as he had posts about sex, calling in sick and lying to family.
Not plastic man. He was a crook. who got powers from acid and tibiten monks. But thanks for play ;-)
and que blog? didn't know you had one... what's the 4-1-1 there?
If I forget anything this time- let me know...
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