Dad rant
I’m not sure which I’m more sorry about- that I haven’t blogged for a while or that as usual it’s turned into a screed against my father.
The reasons for not blogging are: trying to clean my apartment, trying to look for a part time job, getting help from adj. so that I can try to volunteer at a library, being KICKASS on facebook’s Superheroes, and trying to balance my time so I also enjoy myself.
(and in fact I started multitasking and started playing superheroes before deciding that I’d rather focus on writing this)
The ‘trouble’ started last week- which almost lead to a melt down because of a conversation with my dad and mom. I asked my dad for money for a bill- and I ended up double dipping… asking BOTH my parents to cover the same bill. I felt quisi justified in doing this at first because my father had yet to help me with any bills this year- and as far as I’m concerned, he’s loaded. My father as soon as I mentioned I needed started complaining about his taxes, and HIS money woes. I found out later that he called my mom to hit HER up for some of the money and thus found out about my double billing.
We also got into an argument about my cleaning my apartment. My dad wanted me to promise to clean my apartment like a ½ hour every day. I told him that while I was cleaning my apartment that I didn’t want to COMMIT to an arbitrary amount of time because then I would feel PRESSURE to do it- and would feel bad if I wasn’t able to do the ½ hour for one reason or another. He, of course, did not understand my desire to have LESS pressure in my life…
So I then ended up with MORE pressure from my mom… She tried telling me that it was important to HER for me to have a relationship with my dad. I marveled at the three bits of irony involved with her argument… The first was the obvious she wants ME to talk to my dad- even though SHE doesn’t like him or wants to talk to him herself. The second was the reasoning she gave me was that eventually my father would die, and I’d want to make peace with him before then. I did call her on this irony, as my father for years had been complaining that he was ‘going to die in a few years’… heck he said this as he left her 30 odd years ago. The third bit of irony was the fact that she wanted me to ‘let go’ of some of my dad’s shannagins because those were years ago- nevermind that she holds grudges/ slights against HER forever.
So I had to deal with THAT crap last week. And I thought I dealt with it pretty well…. I even sent my dad an email apologizing for ‘double billing’ and said that I wouldn’t do it again.
Of course, feeling good means that another shoe has to drop- in this case a letter from my dad. My father sent me a letter on Saturday- which I didn’t read until last night( I guess I was too busy working and facebook). He says that he’s going to send me the bulk of the money he’d said he’d sent BUT that a portion of the money is being withheld. He explains the withholding that a) he is strapped for cash and b) he wants me to PROMISE him that I will spend a ½ hour every day cleaning. Now nevermind that I told him in our conversation on Wednesday that I didn’t want to set up arbitrary goals… I got pissed that he was setting up ‘conditions’ for him to help me.
Actually what really pissed me off was this bit from his letter:
I just got SOOO pissed at the idea that he feels I have to ‘prove’ to him that I am committed to turning my life around.
And I’m going to stop here. There was more to his letter- about how I should look for a part time job because I basically can’t depend on him to help pay my bills… but really the sticking point is that he wants PROOF that I’m trying to turn my life around. Way to be sportive.
I’ve told him that I don’t want his money and will figure out a way to pay my bills… because really I’d rather get off my butt and put things up on ebay- or go into debt(which I don't think will happen- but I'm saying.,..) if need be than jump through HIS hoops.
The reasons for not blogging are: trying to clean my apartment, trying to look for a part time job, getting help from adj. so that I can try to volunteer at a library, being KICKASS on facebook’s Superheroes, and trying to balance my time so I also enjoy myself.
(and in fact I started multitasking and started playing superheroes before deciding that I’d rather focus on writing this)
The ‘trouble’ started last week- which almost lead to a melt down because of a conversation with my dad and mom. I asked my dad for money for a bill- and I ended up double dipping… asking BOTH my parents to cover the same bill. I felt quisi justified in doing this at first because my father had yet to help me with any bills this year- and as far as I’m concerned, he’s loaded. My father as soon as I mentioned I needed started complaining about his taxes, and HIS money woes. I found out later that he called my mom to hit HER up for some of the money and thus found out about my double billing.
We also got into an argument about my cleaning my apartment. My dad wanted me to promise to clean my apartment like a ½ hour every day. I told him that while I was cleaning my apartment that I didn’t want to COMMIT to an arbitrary amount of time because then I would feel PRESSURE to do it- and would feel bad if I wasn’t able to do the ½ hour for one reason or another. He, of course, did not understand my desire to have LESS pressure in my life…
So I then ended up with MORE pressure from my mom… She tried telling me that it was important to HER for me to have a relationship with my dad. I marveled at the three bits of irony involved with her argument… The first was the obvious she wants ME to talk to my dad- even though SHE doesn’t like him or wants to talk to him herself. The second was the reasoning she gave me was that eventually my father would die, and I’d want to make peace with him before then. I did call her on this irony, as my father for years had been complaining that he was ‘going to die in a few years’… heck he said this as he left her 30 odd years ago. The third bit of irony was the fact that she wanted me to ‘let go’ of some of my dad’s shannagins because those were years ago- nevermind that she holds grudges/ slights against HER forever.
So I had to deal with THAT crap last week. And I thought I dealt with it pretty well…. I even sent my dad an email apologizing for ‘double billing’ and said that I wouldn’t do it again.
Of course, feeling good means that another shoe has to drop- in this case a letter from my dad. My father sent me a letter on Saturday- which I didn’t read until last night( I guess I was too busy working and facebook). He says that he’s going to send me the bulk of the money he’d said he’d sent BUT that a portion of the money is being withheld. He explains the withholding that a) he is strapped for cash and b) he wants me to PROMISE him that I will spend a ½ hour every day cleaning. Now nevermind that I told him in our conversation on Wednesday that I didn’t want to set up arbitrary goals… I got pissed that he was setting up ‘conditions’ for him to help me.
Actually what really pissed me off was this bit from his letter:
Maybe cleaning your apartment has taken on an even greater importance than normal, but it seems to be a very real indication of your commitment to addressing your ciracumstances. And since it hasn't happened yet, it's hard for us to feel that you are truly committed to turning your life around. I am sure that you can spare a half hour a day to making this happen.
I just got SOOO pissed at the idea that he feels I have to ‘prove’ to him that I am committed to turning my life around.
And I’m going to stop here. There was more to his letter- about how I should look for a part time job because I basically can’t depend on him to help pay my bills… but really the sticking point is that he wants PROOF that I’m trying to turn my life around. Way to be sportive.
I’ve told him that I don’t want his money and will figure out a way to pay my bills… because really I’d rather get off my butt and put things up on ebay- or go into debt(which I don't think will happen- but I'm saying.,..) if need be than jump through HIS hoops.
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