Wednesday V. Thursday

The difference a day makes.

I haven’t been blogging on that often but I wanted to say that I had a *BAD* day on Wednesday. I think there were a few factors- starting with it being rainy, really rainy. I don’t usually think that the weather affects my mood, but it was really crappy and I felt trapped in my home.
The second thing that bothered me is I slept poorly. I have been taking meds to help me sleep and Tuesday night I decided to try and wan myself off the sleeping meds- by taking a ½ a pill instead of a whole. The doctor, whom has been giving me the meds, agreed with me that I should try to decrease my dosage and get off being dependent on the sleeping pills. They had first suggested taking the sleeping meds ‘as needed’ but that got me tossing and turning with me trying to figure out WHEN during the night the pill was needed… so now I’m trying to take ½ a pill when I go to bed. Well on Tuesday this didn’t work too well. I woke up around 4am and tossed and turned for a few hours. I was too tired to get out of bed, but having problems going back to sleep.
So I was tired and it was rainy. I was also nervous because I’m going to see my family next week. While I’m looking forward to seeing my sister, my sister in law (though my brother hasn’t married yet), and their kinders… I’m NOT looking forward to seeing my Dad and I’m not sure how the family is going to treat me—as this will be the first time I’ll be seeing most of them since I had my ‘melt down’ in Jan. So I’m a little worried about how they will react to me.
Heck, I’ve already tried to put boundaries up with my father. Basically my Dad said that the time HE was free for a visit was Wednesday dinner… and he offered his couch for me to sleep on. Now I should note the reason he offered me the couch is because his wife will be OUT of town and thus he feels it is ok for me to sleep over. My mom wanted me to sleep over at my dad’s as she felt that it would mean I would be spending MORE time in NYC, and my older brother thought that it would be nice to have my dad’s couch to sleep on. I have opted to go back to my sister’s house- she lives in upstate New York, Wednesday night and then come back to Boston on Thursday. My reasoning is simple- I don’t think my dad respects my boundaries and the last thing I want to do is be left ALONE in his apartment with him. Especially as since I would be sleeping on the coach, I have no door to close or other way to shut him down other then showing him I’m taking a sleeping pill and going to bed NOW- and I would totally need a full pill to calm me down after my dad.
Again as far as my dad understanding boundaries, he tried to talk to me about access to MY therapist. And I ‘loved’ when he finally told me WHY he wanted to talk to my therapist… the two sentences that stand out are
“The reason i want to talk to Dr. ***** is that i want to be part of the team that helps you and i want him on the team too.” And this made me scratch my head- he wants PROOF that my therapist is on MY side? How does my dad do that- unless my therapist proves himself by NOT talking to my dad and thus proves that the therapist can keep my confidence?
The part that REALLY made me not want to allow my dad to talk my therapist was at the end of his letter when he said “…but I'd like his advice on whether he thinks I'm pushing you too hard or if you actually need a little pushing from someone who cares about you to help you have a better and happier life.” Now to ME that sounds like my dad needs a therapist because it sounds like my dad is looking for approval about his parenting skills. My dad likes pushing me and wants someone to tell him that he’s right to push me.

Then there was the fact that I had plans to talk to someone at my graduate school about helping me plan a way to get a library job. I was hoping this person would help me network or give me some good suggestions but in the back of my mind, on Wednesday, all I could remember is that the last person who ‘helped’ at my grad school’s career center was the one who put me in my January tail spin of depression.

The other thing that had me on edge on Wednesday was I planned on talking to my therapist. He called me a few hours before the session and cancelled… And it was like I had put stuff aside for a week, waiting to talk to him to unbottle it and look at the stuff…and I wouldn’t be getting that release.

However I was able to get myself OUT of my apartment and went to the gym on Wednesday. It was hard for me to do it- but I knew I had to get out and accomplish SOMETHING. So even though it was POURING- and I got soaked both ways… I went to the gym and while running… I tried to find my ‘happy place’ it was very hard to find the happy place- and the closest I got was a bit of a warm fuzzy. The warm fuzzy was the fact that while talking to my sister; I found out that my nephew was looking forward to seeing ME. It’s one thing for me to look forward to seeing him as he is cute and likes Batman… but it felt like something else that I have made enough of an impression on him already for him to WANT to see me. That made me feel good and I tried to focus on that.

AFTER saying how bad Wednesday was… Thursday was like a breath of fresh air. It started with some nice weather… And while I was a bit nervous about meeting the teacher at my grad school, I handled my nervousness myself. I called my father’s wife and I asked her to tell me about the teacher- as my father’s wife was the one who got the teacher’s contact information. My father’s wife went on and on about how SHE deals with her nervousness and how HER book is currently doing and all that, but she was helpful so I did pretend to listen.
I then gave myself PLENTY of time to get to my grad school and her office. I did this because I was pretty sure that I wasn’t sure where her office was… but wanted enough time to BE SURE. I also figured that it being V-D day that there might be some bake sales at the college. There were indeed bake sales but I resisted the temptations.
I had a great meeting with the teacher librarian- she was VERY helpful and ended up giving me about an hour of her time.
I then treated myself to Popeyes for lunch as I was in the neighborhood and TOTALLY in the mood for Popeyes.
Finally- as the weather was so nice on Thursday- I took a nice long walk with my psp. On Wednesday- I forced myself to go to the gym; but on Thursday- it was so nice and I was in a good mood that I took a long walk. I most likely got a better exercise on Wednesday- but I think I might have covered more distance on Thursday.

Finally with boundaries, and the rents- I JUST spoke to my mom, and she pointed out that IF I was going to be in NYC Wednesday and I wasn’t going to see my dad until DINNER- the two of us could hang out. Basically my mom is looking at the pie chart of my being at my sister’s/ in the NYC area and wants as big a piece of the time pie as she can get… Which I understand but at the same time… I let her know that I intend to have SOME time to myself in NYC on Wednesday and I want to have lunch by myself. She seemed to understand… but still… It’s like we currently have NO PLANS for Tuesday and I know she’s going to try and suggest something. Right now I think I’d like Tuesday just to be in upstate NY with my sister and her son; especially as I’m bringing a couple of movies to watch with the 5 year old.

So that’s it- still looking forward to seeing my family but still a bit nervous about it because it is MY family. I am a bit hopeful about the future for the moment- though the hope might be a bit unreasonable… And I was able to ‘get over’ Wednesday no matter how bad I felt- and I think that was cause for celebration.
Sorry for the longish post but a lot of stuff going on in my mind the past two days and not sure when I might next get to blog- as I’ll be away Sunday to Thursday.