And Again (?)
Ok- not sure if I’ve blogged about this- SO I apologize if I’ve covered this ground but the past repeats itself.
When my Dad showed up here a few months ago- because his wife was signing books in the area… He told me about this about a week in advance. I hadn’t seen him in a while and had kept him at a distant… But I was perfectly willing to meet them for dinner- so long as he knew that they were NOT welcome in my apartment. I got street addresses for two restaurants that I wanted to go to- figuring if they were visiting me it would be MY choice. I chose two places that I liked, I thought they would like and that I hadn’t been able to go to because of lack of funds… I didn’t choose based on expenses… though I will admit one of the places I picked was based on the fact that it was stir fry- and that we wouldn’t have a huge amount of ‘face time’ because part of the experience is picking out the food and waiting for them to grill it.
When I got a call from him that day- he told me what food SHE was interested in… and asked me to find a restaurant for her. Being me, I did what he asked- I did a little research and found two places near me that I thought SHE might like. But I found this vexing as I felt he was visiting ME and as such- I felt he should treat me to a place I would like.
I mention the above story because when I went to visit my mom for the New Year… I called my dad on Monday to wish him a Happy New Year- even though I know he doesn’t celebrate any Jewish holidays. He suggested we meet for lunch on Tuesday, and although I would’ve preferred to hang out with my nephews FAR MORE… I felt that since I hadn’t seen my dad in months that I somehow ‘owed’ him a meeting. I thought this was odd, especially as he was on the Cape and didn’t visit me( and his wife had a signing about 3 blocks from me). However since he suggested we meet for lunch- I told him my plans with my sister and that I could meet him either near the planetarium or Penn Station. He suggested that we meet near a restaurant- and we did. He however was double parked as he drove in his car… so we had to look for a parking space.
While trying to find a parking space- he told me about HIS money woes- about how much HE lost in the market… and how he couldn’t afford to pay monthly fees for a parking garage- especially as he and the wife only spent a couple of nights a week in their New York apartment. It really struck me as tone deaf that he was complaining to ME about his money problems.
So we find a parking place and my father tells me that since we found a good spot that I should take my bag with me… as we’d take the train to Penn Station as he didn’t want to lose his spot. He then tells me that he knows a good restaurant nearby and we walk to it. And when we got to the restaurant- I realized that my Dad had a) not told me what sort of restaurant we were walking towards… and b) did NOT at any point ask me what I was in the mood for. We went to the restaurant because it was close to the parking space and my Dad liked it… I didn’t seem to enter into the equation.
I will admit I liked the food… but still…
And during the meal my father continued to complain about how much HE lost in the stock market… That he felt a need to sell the New York apartment because- he lost a lot of money and didn’t think he could afford the apartment… BUT that said he said he’d keep it for the rest of the year- BECAUSE his wife had enough on her mind with her writing and promoting her book to worry her about the sale.
So- the apartment… He tried to sell it before, he didn’t because SHE didn’t want him to, it costs a good amount of money AND the value has gone down due to the markets( less people with the $ to buy it from him)…. BUT while he’s worried about money- He refuses to think about selling the apartment UNTIL she has less on her mind.
Oh- and lastly after hearing my Dad bitch about HIS MONEY WOES- he told me he talked to a social worker, who agreed with him that it was OK for him to put conditions on his giving me money. He told me he LOVED me UNCONDITIONALLY, BUT that if I wanted money from him there would be CONDITIONS.
Now I should mention at NO POINT have I asked my Dad for money since he punked out of helping me in March. So he was telling me, without any prompting from me, that he’d be willing to help me BUT with conditions. And he felt it was important for me to know that someone else had backed him up on his thinking. AS IF I CARED who he cited (like when he tells me or my mom that his current wife agrees with him SO he MUST be right).
Why do I bother with him? I mean if this guy wasn’t a blood relation- I would’ve ditched him so many years ago. It’s clear to me that he really doesn’t get me or try.
I feel I should end this by mentioning that he mentioned several times how HAPPY he was that I had a good relationship with my mom… He didn’t understand why HE didn’t have a good relationship with her but was glad I had a relationship with her. I felt that I should’ve told him- as I’ve told her that my relationship with EACH of them is separate from the other. BUT the way I really wanted to respond was either a) she’s still bitchy because he cheated on her. Yes, it was 30 odd years ago… but I think she’s still pissed that he cheated on her and left her, with two kids, for the OTHER woman or b) ask him if he was really glad that I connected with her, or was he pissed because as a kid I looked up to him and as an adult I have a better relationship with HER.
Oh and I should mention- when I talked to my mom before I came in… She asked me if I wanted anything SPECIAL for New Year’s dinner… After hearing that she was making turkey and that we’d have the challah and honey (for a sweet new year) I told her I was good. She made for us a plum tart… which she knows I like…. So Dad couldn’t be bothered to ask me where I wanted to eat… and my mom cooked me my favorite dessert. I think that sums my relationship up with them pretty well.
When my Dad showed up here a few months ago- because his wife was signing books in the area… He told me about this about a week in advance. I hadn’t seen him in a while and had kept him at a distant… But I was perfectly willing to meet them for dinner- so long as he knew that they were NOT welcome in my apartment. I got street addresses for two restaurants that I wanted to go to- figuring if they were visiting me it would be MY choice. I chose two places that I liked, I thought they would like and that I hadn’t been able to go to because of lack of funds… I didn’t choose based on expenses… though I will admit one of the places I picked was based on the fact that it was stir fry- and that we wouldn’t have a huge amount of ‘face time’ because part of the experience is picking out the food and waiting for them to grill it.
When I got a call from him that day- he told me what food SHE was interested in… and asked me to find a restaurant for her. Being me, I did what he asked- I did a little research and found two places near me that I thought SHE might like. But I found this vexing as I felt he was visiting ME and as such- I felt he should treat me to a place I would like.
I mention the above story because when I went to visit my mom for the New Year… I called my dad on Monday to wish him a Happy New Year- even though I know he doesn’t celebrate any Jewish holidays. He suggested we meet for lunch on Tuesday, and although I would’ve preferred to hang out with my nephews FAR MORE… I felt that since I hadn’t seen my dad in months that I somehow ‘owed’ him a meeting. I thought this was odd, especially as he was on the Cape and didn’t visit me( and his wife had a signing about 3 blocks from me). However since he suggested we meet for lunch- I told him my plans with my sister and that I could meet him either near the planetarium or Penn Station. He suggested that we meet near a restaurant- and we did. He however was double parked as he drove in his car… so we had to look for a parking space.
While trying to find a parking space- he told me about HIS money woes- about how much HE lost in the market… and how he couldn’t afford to pay monthly fees for a parking garage- especially as he and the wife only spent a couple of nights a week in their New York apartment. It really struck me as tone deaf that he was complaining to ME about his money problems.
So we find a parking place and my father tells me that since we found a good spot that I should take my bag with me… as we’d take the train to Penn Station as he didn’t want to lose his spot. He then tells me that he knows a good restaurant nearby and we walk to it. And when we got to the restaurant- I realized that my Dad had a) not told me what sort of restaurant we were walking towards… and b) did NOT at any point ask me what I was in the mood for. We went to the restaurant because it was close to the parking space and my Dad liked it… I didn’t seem to enter into the equation.
I will admit I liked the food… but still…
And during the meal my father continued to complain about how much HE lost in the stock market… That he felt a need to sell the New York apartment because- he lost a lot of money and didn’t think he could afford the apartment… BUT that said he said he’d keep it for the rest of the year- BECAUSE his wife had enough on her mind with her writing and promoting her book to worry her about the sale.
So- the apartment… He tried to sell it before, he didn’t because SHE didn’t want him to, it costs a good amount of money AND the value has gone down due to the markets( less people with the $ to buy it from him)…. BUT while he’s worried about money- He refuses to think about selling the apartment UNTIL she has less on her mind.
Oh- and lastly after hearing my Dad bitch about HIS MONEY WOES- he told me he talked to a social worker, who agreed with him that it was OK for him to put conditions on his giving me money. He told me he LOVED me UNCONDITIONALLY, BUT that if I wanted money from him there would be CONDITIONS.
Now I should mention at NO POINT have I asked my Dad for money since he punked out of helping me in March. So he was telling me, without any prompting from me, that he’d be willing to help me BUT with conditions. And he felt it was important for me to know that someone else had backed him up on his thinking. AS IF I CARED who he cited (like when he tells me or my mom that his current wife agrees with him SO he MUST be right).
Why do I bother with him? I mean if this guy wasn’t a blood relation- I would’ve ditched him so many years ago. It’s clear to me that he really doesn’t get me or try.
I feel I should end this by mentioning that he mentioned several times how HAPPY he was that I had a good relationship with my mom… He didn’t understand why HE didn’t have a good relationship with her but was glad I had a relationship with her. I felt that I should’ve told him- as I’ve told her that my relationship with EACH of them is separate from the other. BUT the way I really wanted to respond was either a) she’s still bitchy because he cheated on her. Yes, it was 30 odd years ago… but I think she’s still pissed that he cheated on her and left her, with two kids, for the OTHER woman or b) ask him if he was really glad that I connected with her, or was he pissed because as a kid I looked up to him and as an adult I have a better relationship with HER.
Oh and I should mention- when I talked to my mom before I came in… She asked me if I wanted anything SPECIAL for New Year’s dinner… After hearing that she was making turkey and that we’d have the challah and honey (for a sweet new year) I told her I was good. She made for us a plum tart… which she knows I like…. So Dad couldn’t be bothered to ask me where I wanted to eat… and my mom cooked me my favorite dessert. I think that sums my relationship up with them pretty well.
Labels: Dad, Jewish Holidays, Mom
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